December 31, 2002

• It's December 31, 2002

  
  

  I'm here at the office and I'm working at responses that I should have done earlier while away during the x-mas holidays. I hate it when I fuck up. I said I would do it but lately, since my disaster with my former girlfriend, I feel like the whole world just isn't worth it. Silly,isn't it ? It just knocked the wind outta my motivation. I put in so much dedication and love to this woman because for the first time in four years, I felt alive and in love again. Bang ! one second I see a future with this girl - the next she shoots it down and I'm left hanging in the wind. And the real kicker is that this shit had to happen at the end of the year. Couldn't happen at a worser time - both professionally and personally. I gotta thank my boys at work for putting up with me over this past month. they've seen me fall in love and be happy with her and then suddenly see me totally fall to pieces. Christ,it even has affected the way I work ! This is what i really hate about myself. I can't take this sort of shit with the break up. Hurts too much. This is the first time that it has even affected me at work ! Sometimes I really wish I could be somebody else. The emotional pain is way too much. No, I haven't thought of anything extreme but sometimes I think that I had better because this shit is too painful. Tell ya though, what does give me some kinda clarity or peace is that she is probably not feeling as bad as me. so the flip side to this is why the hell should I then suffer so much ? why me ? if she's not going to go through the pains of this shit then why should I ? To hell with her !!

  
  

  I'm a pretty good guy and I think I got a decent heart. See, this is what comes up and yells at me. This is what gets me out of bed and keeps me going. I just wish that I had more of this these days. More of the correct motivation and perspective to keep me going. Staying on course and staying internally strong. I need that. Man do I need that.

  
  

  I need and want so much for myself (and for the business that I'm in with) this year. I feel so alone sometimes and yet I know that I'm surrounded by some fantastic family and friends. Maybe this year I ought to spend more time with them and solidify my relationships again with them. After all,this is what we have to grab onto when we go through crap like this. Maybe take some time to touch base with the faith too. Funny, we always seem to grab onto faith when things are really feeling shitty in life. But when all is good, we never seem to grab that enough. Here I am, doing and feeling exactly this. The more I do the more I see what little I really know.

  
  

  Anyway, dear new year. Please bring all the best to my family and friends and let me have a good year full of family and friends. The Love stuff I'll, once again, leave it to God.

  
  

  Dear God,

  
  

  Help me as I try to refocus on what my priorities are for me and my job.  Guide me as I strive to bring out the enthusiasm and drive that I know I have within me to kick ass this year. Doing it with enthusiasm, positive energy and good outcomes for my friends who are awesome and have a good healthy sense of humor and perspective about life and work. Amen.

  • 2:30 pm
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